(Taken from here.
I know nothing of the source, but found this quite funny.)
1. Q: What is the chief end of each individual Christian?
A: Each individual Christian's chief end is to get saved.
This is the first and great commandment.
2. Q: And what is the second great commandment?
A: The second, which is like unto it, is to get as many
others saved as he can.
3. Q: What one work is required of thee for thy salvation?
A: It is required of me for my salvation that I make a
Decision for Christ, which meaneth to accept Him into my heart to be my
personal lord and saviour
4. Q: At what time must thou perform this work?
A: I must perform this work at such time as I have reached
the Age of Accountability.
5. Q: At what time wilt thou have reached this Age?
A: That is a trick question. In order to determine this
time, my mind must needs be sharper than any two-edged sword, able to
even to the division of bone and marrow; for, alas, the Age of
is different for each individual, and is thus unknowable.
6. Q: By what means is a Decision for Christ made?
A: A Decision for Christ is made, not according to His own
purpose and grace which was given to me in Christ Jesus before the
but according to the exercise of my own Free Will in saying the
in my own words.
7. Q: If it be true then that man is responsible for this
Decision, how then can God be sovereign?
A: He cannot be. God sovereignly chose not to be sovereign,
and is therefore dependent upon me to come to Him for salvation. He
outside the door of my heart, forlornly knocking, until such time as I
to let Him in.
8. Q: How then can we make such a Decision, seeing that the
Scripture saith, we are dead in our trespasses and sins?
A: By this the Scripture meaneth, not that we are dead, but
only that we are sick or injured in them.
9. Q: What is the assurance of thy salvation?
A: The assurance of thy salvation is, that I know the date
on which I prayed the Sinner's Prayer, and have duly written this date
official Decision card.
10. Q: What is thy story? What is thy song?
A: Praising my Savior all the day long.
11. Q: You ask me how I know he lives?
A: He lives within my heart.
12. Q: And what else hast thou got in thine heart?
A: I've got the joy, joy, joy, joy down in my heart.
13. Q: Where??
A: Down in my heart!
14. Q: Where???
A: Down in my heart!!
15. Q: What witness aid hath been given us as a technique by
which we may win souls?
A: The tract known commonly as the Four Spiritual Laws, is
the chief aid whereby we may win souls.
16. Q: What doth this tract principally teach?
A: The Four Spiritual Laws principally teach, that God's
entire plan for history and the universe centereth on me, and that I am
powerful enough to thwart His divine purpose if I refuse to let Him
Wonderful Plan for my life.
17. Q: What supplementary technique is given by which we may
A: The technique of giving our own Personal Testimony, in
the which we must always be ready to give an answer concerning the
spent in vanity and pride, and the wretched vices in which we wallowed
lives until the day we got saved.
18. Q: I'm so happy, what's the reason why?
A: Jesus took my burden all away!
19. Q: What are the means given whereby we may large crowds
of souls in a spectacular manner?
A: Such a spectacle is accomplished by means of
well-publicized Crusades and Revivals which (in order that none may be
attend) are best conducted anywhere else but in a Church.
20. Q: Am I a soldier of the Cross?
A: I am a soldier of the Cross if I join Campus Crusade,
Boys' Brigade, the Salvation Army, or the Wheaton Crusaders; of if I
put on the
helmet of Dispensationalism, the breastplate of Pietism, the shield of
Tribulationism, and the sword of Zionism, having my feet shod with the
21. Q: Who is your boss?
A: My boss is a Jewish carpenter.
22. Q: Hath God predestined vessels of wrath to Hell?
A: God hath never performed such an omnipotent act, for any
such thing would not reflect His primary attribute, which is Niceness.
23. Q: What is sanctification?
A: Sanctification is the work of my free Will, whereby I am
renewed by having my Daily Quiet Time.
24. Q: What rule hath God for our direction in prayer?
A: The rule that we must bow our hands, close our heads, and
fold our eyes.
25. Q: What doth the Lord's Prayer teach us?
A: The Lord's Prayer teacheth us that we must never memorize
a prayer, or use one that hath been written down.
26. Q: What's the book for thee?
A: The B-I-B-L-E.
27. Q: Which are among the first books which a Christian
should read to his soul's health?
A: Among the first books which a Christian should read are
the books of Daniel and Revelation, and The Late Great Planet Earth.
28. Q: Who is on the Lord's side?
A: He who doth support whatsoever is done by the nation of Israel,
and who doth renounce the world, the flesh, and the Catholic Church.
29. Q: What are the seven deadly sins?
A: The seven deadly sins are smoking, drinking, dancing,
card-playing, movie-going, baptizing babies, and having any creed but
30. Q: What is a sacrament?
A: A sacrament is an insidious invention devised by the
Catholic Church whereby men are drawn into idolatry.
31. Q: What is the Lord's Supper?
A: The Lord's Supper is a dispensing of saltines and grape
juice, in the which we remember Christ's command to pretend that they
32. Q: What is baptism?
A: Baptism is the act whereby, by the performance of
something that seems quite silly in front of everyone, I prove that I
really mean it.
33. Q: What is the Church?
A: The Church is the tiny minority of individuals living at
this time who have Jesus in their hearts, and who come together once a
a sermon, fellowship and donuts.
34. Q: What is the office of the keys?
A: The office of the keys is that office held by the
35. Q: What meaneth "The Priesthood Of All
A: The Priesthood Of All Believers meaneth that there exists
no authority in the Church, as that falsely thought to be held by
presbyters, deacons, and bishops, but that each individual Christian
his own authority in all matters pertaining to the faith.
36. Q: Who is the Holy Spirit?
A: The Holy Spirit is a gentleman Who would never barge in.
37. Q: How long hath the Holy Spirit been at work?
A: The Holy Spirit hath been at work for more than a
century: expressly, since the nineteenth-century Revitalization brought
by traveling Evangelists carrying tents across America.
38. Q: When will be the "Last Days" of which the
A: The "Last Days" are these days in which we are
now living, in which the Antichrist, the Beast, and the Thief in the
shall most certainly appear.
39. Q: What is the name of the event by which Christians
will escape these dreadful entities?
A: The event commonly known as the Rapture, in the which it
is our Blessed Hope that all cars driven by Christians will suddenly
40. Q: When is Jesus coming again?
A: Maybe morning, maybe ,
maybe evening, and maybe soon.
41. Q: When the roll, roll, roll, is called up yonder, where
will you be?
42. Q: Hallelu, hallelu, hallelu, hallelujah!
A: Praise ye the Lord!
43. Q: Praise ye the Lord!
44. Q: Where will we meet again?
A: Here, there, or in the air.
45. Q: What can a pastor say while all heads are bowed?
A. Yes, I see that hand.
46. Q. How is a person saved?
A. If you walk this aisle…”
47. Q. And what requirement is there if you should fall into
A. You just need to rededicate your life to God.